About what losing my daughter felt like.

About what losing my daughter felt like.

Once we made the decision in the summer of 2014 that our daughter would live as a boy from her 13th birthday, a difficult process began for me.

To be honest, I became very sad and cried for everything and nothing. My gut told me I was going to lose my daughter and my mind told me she’s never really been my daughter. My feeling was as if I was going to lose a child, but my child was alive, was perfectly healthy and would in no way physically leave. My mind wanted to rationally explain my loss and couldn’t figure it out. The uncertainty about this made me rush everywhere to announce that I really love my child and absolutely support him in his transition. I was so afraid that people would interpret my grief as rejecting my child.

It took me a long time to rationalize the reason for my grief somewhat, but it did help to make peace with my grief. To accept that it was there. Like some kind of unwelcome guest who occasionally makes my life miserable. My theory is that every parent receives a whole package of unconscious thoughts and ideas as a gift when their child is born. So I realized that looking at my baby I had wondered what my daughter would look like as a grown woman in 18 years. But I also noticed that I had unnoticed that I had assumed that my daughter would become pregnant and that we would have a lovely chat about my pregnancy from her. That seemed magical to me and that didn’t happen either. And about this I also wondered if I was allowed to feel that. Wasn’t it weird or stupid that I apparently had those thoughts?

There are many more parents like me who experience a sense of loss and grief to some degree. Some more than others, but still. At the beginning it can completely engulf you like a tsunami. It feels like you’re drowning and that’s scary. Do you recognize this and do you want to know how I did it? Download my e-book and take advantage of it! Well, know that you are definitely not alone!

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